


Wrong

by gh0ulfriend



Category: Stranger Things (TV 2016)
Genre: Implied/Referenced Abuse, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Implied/Referenced Homophobia, Implied/Referenced Masturbation, Internalized Homophobia, Like its big implying hes trying to do stuff but its not horny, Self-Hatred
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-08
Updated: 2019-07-08
Packaged: 2020-06-24 18:31:20
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 822
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19729357
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/gh0ulfriend/pseuds/gh0ulfriend
Summary: Billy struggles with internalized homophobia, it's not pretty.First time writing him + a stranger things fic in general I hope y'all like it💙





	Wrong

**Author's Note:**

> There's no s3 spoilers in this, and I haven't finished s3 yet I'm just starting ep 7 but god I hate how I ended up w so many feelings abt Billy

_"God damn it-"_

Billy threw his magazine to the floor, and with an annoyed groan, he lied back on his bed, hands covering his eyes,

What was wrong with him?

He had all these magazines, all these _normal_ magazines, why couldn't he just get into it? The women in them- they were all sexy, he had _plenty_ magazines to choose from, plenty _normal_ ones, but he just couldn't _fucking get into it._

What was the fucking _problem_ with him? It had always been hard to do this before, sometimes more of a struggle than other times, but he always ended up being able to do it, so why the hell is it not working now?

And it's not like he could use the _other_ magazines he has, or rather _had,_ he hid them pretty good but the paranoia of his father finding them- and doing _god knows what_ to him- he didn't want to think about it, he threw the magazines out weeks ago, and even then he shouldn't have ever used them, he shouldn't- he _shouldn't be a freak like that._

He could feel himself getting angrier at himself, _disgusted_ at himself,

He was disgusting.

He knew since an early age, that those...those _kind of people,_

They were disgusting, it's what his dad always said, always told him.

Billy knew- he knew there was no way his dad knew he was like... _that, ~~because he isn't like that, he's normal.~~_

There's no way he knows, he just says those things to him, because he's an asshole, if he knew he'd be doing things worse than just yelling and hitting Billy.

It doesn't help his paranoia though.

He let out a shaky sigh, not realizing he'd been holding his breath in the first place, _god damn it._ he knew what was gonna happen when he sounded like that, when his breath was shaky, it was hard to breathe, made his throat hurt like hell, and his head, every little noise getting too loud, every little light getting too bright, it all made his head ring, made him feel even worse than how he usually felt,

What the _fuck was wrong with him?_

Billy sat up, and rubbed his eyes, trying to make sure the tears that were threatening to run down, stayed, he let out a shaky breath, and put his hands on his head,

"Why the fuck am I like this"

It wasn't a question, no one was even here to answer, he thanked god he was home alone, not wanting anyone, _especially_ his dad, to see him on the verge of a break down, something that's happened many times before, _too many times._

After a few years he got good at hiding the fact he'd been crying, but sometimes, like now, it was hard, a struggle to even move on the bed, acting like he was fine was absolutely something he couldn't do on some days.

He closed his eyes, he could feel the tears running now,

God damn it.

He hated being like this, being so weak, so disgusting, such a _freak,_

He just wished he was normal.

He had relationships with women in the past, they never worked out, he was never _truly_ attracted to him, and he was scared they knew that.

He was scared everyone knew he was like that.

_He was terrified everyone knew he wasn't normal._

All he wanted was to just look at one of his magazines and feel normal, but he couldn't even have that, he had to be like this, he just _had to._

Billy figured out he never was really into women when he was 12, his friends were getting girlfriends, his classmates were, it seemed like everyone around him was, and he for the life of him couldn't understand why, he couldn't understand why he didn't want a girlfriend,

And for six long years, he's been terrified of his dad finding out, terrified of _anyone_ finding out,

It felt like he was fed up with it all, he hated the feeling he got when he saw a guy he found attractive, he hated how nice it made him feel, he hated how he wanted to walk over to them, wanted to flirt, and he especially hated the gut wrenching hate he felt towards himself and how he was never going to be normal,

Sometimes he'd stare too long at a guy, and one of his friends would playfully smack his shoulder and ask if he was a fa-

He didn't want to think about that right now.

Especially now.

Ever, really.

He tried to calm his breathing, he tried to talk himself down into being normal again, as normal as he could be,

But all that came out were choked sobs,

Maybe one day, maybe one day he could feel normal. That's all he wants.

What was wrong with him? Why did he have to be like this?

**Author's Note:**

> Max in the next room, hearing Billy cry: what the fuck


End file.
